Three simple words have hit me this day:
Life
is
hard.
You can form your own opinions, but I think I'll stick with mine for now. Not that they are rock solid, but there are some things I will not tolerate.
I don't believe that she's in Hell, so never make the mistake of telling me that's what you think. I don't believe that God took her, so that would be a double punch to the gut if I heard that either. I don't believe that things are ever that bad, but I also believe in a Devil that never sleeps. He's wreaked havoc this year, and now, between Christmas and New Years, a 16-year-old's eyes closed, never to see 2011.
And it hurts. More than I imagined it would. Not that I imagined that I would ever hear this, but everyone wonders what it would be like if they knew someone who did this or that. I just never thought that I ever would. It's as if I have this invisible list of things that I never thought I'd have to face in my life, and, in 17 years and seven days, I have experienced almost every one of them. I won't lie. It's terrifying. Satan has never been more real to me than he is now.
Yet still, God has never been more real to me either. I see Him moving even now, still directing and guiding all of our broken spirits. Tomorrow night is going to be interesting, in a sense. I do hope that everyone pulls together, and no one tries to break anyone else apart. That, to me, would be the biggest insult. The loudest smack in the face to her family. Her friends. Anyone who loved her. God. Her memory. Her.
I don't know why. But I don't need to. What matters to me is the fact that she did do it at all, and that we have to stick together in order to get through this. What matters is not that we are all in pain, but what we do with that pain. Now is not the time to point the finger. Now is not the time to feel guilty. Now is not the time to ask what we could have done to stop her. Now is not the time to make this about us and our own individual, selfish ache. Now is the time to remember. Now is the time to reflect. Now is the time to never forget the love that a beautiful soul showed us in such a cruelly short period of time.
Needless to say, tomorrow will be a very emotionally draining day. It's times like these where I always step back and thank God for my family who have supported me through the pain I was completely broadsided with when I woke up this morning, and my very life, which I take for granted all too much.
Who would've thought forever could be severed by, the sharp knife, of a short life?
Rest in peace, MJL. You will be missed dearly.
<3
In which I reflect.
In which I sigh, eat bread, and reminisce on the wondrous event that was my 17th birthday.
Well, yesterday I became 17. I'm getting old. It's scary.
But on the plus side, it was a fantastic day. On top of my family gifting me with the Lifehouse album that I wanted (!!!), I finally got them to go with me to see Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and, believe it or not, it got the older-sibling-and-mother seal of approval! It made my heart glow in all the colors of the rainbow, I won't lie. I think the best part was that there was this group of boys in the cinema with us who were seriously hardcore Narnia fans. It was epic. They were cheering and clapping and bowing and standing up out of their seats at all the right times. Twas so epic, in fact, that my little sister and I joined in. By the time Edmund stabs the sea serpent at the end of the film, we had the whole theater cheering and clapping. It was quite the birthday experience, I won't lie.
I played the piano for a while for the first time in two weeks yesterday, as well. Turns out that my memory runs further than I thought it would.. I was able to still recall every song that I know, which is pretty impressive, and a huge relief. I won't be spending that much time away again!
Alright, so I'm too lazy to make a widget for current playlists on iTunes that you should check out (if ye dare!), so I'll just put it in this post.
1. Pick Up The Phone - The Notwist
2. Brand New Colony - The Postal Service
3. On Peak Hill - Stars
4. Wild Horses - The Sundays
5. One With The Freaks - The Notwist
6. Skinny Boy - Amy Millan
7. Honey And The Moon - Joseph Arthur
8. Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine
9. Blue Smile - Oren Lavie
10. Vapour Trail - Ride
11. To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens
12. Florida Rain - Matt Bauer
13. Don't Let Your Hair Grow Too Long - Oren Lavie
14. So Long, Lonesome - Explosions In The Sky
15. The Calendar Girl - Stars
In other album-related news, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' "The Hell Or High Water" is pretty tight. I think we both know what that means. Time to go give it a listen!
Stay legit.
<3
In which I shed multiple bitter tears over one simple line on another's blog.
I didn't think that I'd say this, but.. I miss my used-to-be best friend. Like CRAZY. It's weird. Every time I think of him, it's like there's this gnawing in my stomach. He's gonna be 17 next month, and, reading a line addressing this on his sister's blog, it made me realize how fast we're getting older, and how distant we're growing apart. It hurts. Bad. And I'm a cry baby, so I cried. A lot.
I think that writing a song about this might suffice for now, but later? Who knows where the wind will carry my ever-present mixed emotions. I'd send him a message, or slide him a note, but I have no idea what I'd say. How are you? How's life? How's, well, everything? All of these things seem like questions I'd ask him before, but not now. I feel like I've lost the right to ask such friendly questions. I feel like I wasn't the friend I always promised I would be. I feel like now, our closeness is a thing of the past.
We used to be much more muchier.
We've lost our muchness.
...
*sound of weeping*
<3
